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Diet Schmiet!

It's that time of year again when the revelry and rich foods that I celebrate between Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve cause my jeans to fit a bit tighter and make me huff and puff a bit more than usual as I run up and down my stairs in a post-holiday house de-cluttering fit. I guess I have a tendency to go all out no matter what I do. If it is enjoying the holidays then I celebrate with the gusto of food laden tables and the laughter of friends and family. Then when the holidays are over I am saddened to discover that I have to lie down to button my jeans and more than a little muffin top spills over my waistband.

So when the Christmas lights are packed away and the dreary winter weather settles upon the kitchen Mimi gets busy researching diet plans. I did not say go on a diet, mind you. I only research diets. That is the problem. I research diets and then never really change my eating habits. *sigh*

I want what everyone else wants. I want to eat what I want when I want, feel great, and never put on an ounce. If I do have to go on a diet then I want to lose 22 pounds in 48 hours eating all I want. I know that Americans have, on the average, put on weight in recent years. So how did women birth 18 babies and remain slim in years gone by? Was it the food they ate? The food they did not eat? Or was there another secret?

A little research revealed three vintage diets that might be worth trying. If I survive even one of them then I am bound to be a shadow of my former self. My favorite diet option is to eat a few tapeworms. I am not sure how many calories are in a tapeworm but apparently I can lose 65 pounds in a month if I follow this diet plan. The tapeworm does the work for me. This diet was popular in the early 1900s and mad e a comeback in the 1950s when models and movie stars boasted rapid weight loss after eating a tapeworm or two. Whereas this diet promises me instant reward with no effort I must admit I am a bit squeamish when it comes to worms growing inside of me. I will pass on this one.

The second diet encourages me to "Reach for a Lucky instead of a sweet." Really? All I need to do to lose weight is learn to smoke? I tried to smoke a cigarette once. I smoked about half of it. Coughed. Choked. Wheezed and then vomited horribly for about 48 hours before curling up in a ball for another 24 hours. It worked. I lost weight. I felt terrible. On the upside I ate no food except what was spoon-fed to me for a full 72 hours. If I survived a month of this diet I would undoubtedly be a shadow of my former self.

The third option is the 1933 Eat Meat for Every Occasion Diet. This diet encourages those seeking to lose weight to eat meat for breakfast, meat for lunch, meat for supper. All meat, all the time, is what is needed for a slimmer figure. A diet that promotes bacon and beef is my kind of diet! If I combine this diet plan with the 1955 Binge on sugar for rapid weight loss diet promoted by Domino Sugar then I am certain to lose lots of weight and be happy doing it. This just might be the winning diet.

It does not require much research to discover that fad diets come and go decade by decade. We have become a bit more sophisticated in recent years. We try to back our no fat, no carbs, no meat, no fun diets with scientific research. When the next deprivation diet hits the market we sadly discover that the last one we tried led to compromised health and a fatter body. So what to do?

The Kitchen knows that the only healthy way to lose weight is to eat less and move more. Eat whole foods. Eat a variety of foods. Load up on foods that come from a plant; not foods manufactured in a plant. There is nothing gimicky or sexy about it. Just eat less and move more. Make sure that you can pronounce what you eat and ask yourself if great grandma would recognize what you are about to eat. If not, then maybe you (I) should toss it into the garbage and pick up an orange or an apple. Make a salad, sprinkle a few seeds over it and drink a glass of water.

I will feel great if I follow this simple eating plan and will be active and healthy with a de-cluttered house by the time spring arrives.

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